Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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