i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
