Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
