Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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