I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
