2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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