he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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