Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
