Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
