I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize