Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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