i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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