epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
