Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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