My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
