Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
