vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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