I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
