Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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