I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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