What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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