Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
