that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
