Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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