I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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