FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
