i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
"it" just moved
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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