just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
