You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize