Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
