I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My liver just had a heart attack.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
