I cannot find my penis.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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