I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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