the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize