how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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