I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
