apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
