I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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