people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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