I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
