I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
