Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
