my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my shit smells like andre
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
