I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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