She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
