good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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