im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
