Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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