my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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