Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize