My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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