I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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