I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
