RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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