kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
FUCK WHALES
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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