It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
