Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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