they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
