eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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