Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
