Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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