i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
