You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
